Just how advanced are your plans for your funeral?
SOMETIMES ALL you need to drag yourself out of the doldrums is a mad conversation with someone who's a bit cracked. There's nothing like talking to someone a bit madder than yourself to cheer you up no end. I've been feeling a bit ' January-ish', bit sorry for myself, bit fed up. Then the other day, out of the blue, I was privy to the most bizarre conversation, that still had me laughing days later.
We had just been to the funeral of an acquaintance. Myself, Himself, The Mother -in Law and her friend Agnes had all piled into the car. Great organisation had gone into this outing with Agnes warning us the previous day that we had to leave by 11 am, despite the fact the funeral wasn't on till 12 and was ten minutes out the road in the next parish.
When I enquired as to why we had to be there so early, she told me it was so we could "good seats." Good seats, apparently means seats that are close enough to get a good gawk at the mourners but not so close as to be insensitive!
We arrived at the church in good time, but still the country road outside the church was lined with cars. Out we got to join the rest of the congregation all decked out in their best funeral coats and hats and managed to secure the last aforementioned "good seats."
Like all funerals, it was very sad. Sad but dignified, which is the best kind, according to Agnes. There's nothing worse than people bawling their eyes out and making a show of themselves, apparently.
"But some people obviously can't help that because they're so devastated," I suggested to Agnes. "I don't care. I think it's dreadful. I told my children that there will be none of that at my funeral. They'll behave with dignity and respect," she retorted.
I told her I quite liked the idea of people bawling at my funeral, and maybe someone throwing themselves into the grave on top of me. But I'd prefer it a whole lot more if I wasn't dead!
Agnes then informed us that she had her entire funeral arrangements typed up and laminated so that her children could follow her instructions to the letter. These instructions included not being waked at home, what she was to wear and having a guest list of a select few who would be the only ones allowed view her!!
"Am I on the guest list Agnes?" asked Himself. "No dear. I'm sorry but only my very close friends are on it." Himself was a bit gutted. "But I'd love to see you Agnes," he wheedled, but she wasn't budging. Agnes said she had all her hymns and readings picked out and she didn't want to be carried out of the church but wheeled out with her grandchildren by her side.
"I quite like that hymn, "Coming Home" I mused to which Agnes replied, "Oh no! Everybody has that. I want "I walk with God." The Mother in Law joined in then, saying that if she went before Agnes, Agnes was to make sure all the boys wore white shirts and black ties. "And I don't want every Tom, Dick and Harry coming to gawp at me either. Only a select gathering. And I don't want any of you making speeches about me. I couldn't abide that!" I wasn't brave enough to point out that she'd be dead and wouldn't know.
Still it cheered me up no end. Hah and I thought I was mad!
- Justine O'mahony
